My deconstruction journey
The deconstruction of my ego has been a painful and humiliating process, among other things. When I realized that my religion was essentially a construct of my ego, it was a hurtful revelation. The word "certainty" sums it up. I have always wanted to be certain about my faith, and as a pastor, I sought to be absolutely sure of that certainty—a reinforcement of being right or at least appearing to be so.
These days, I find myself uncertain about many things, including myself and others. Especially when it comes to religion, it seems that certainty—or the way we define it—serves as excellent material for ego construction. Certainty fosters pride in ourselves or in the figures we follow; we proclaim that our group is correct, showcasing the shining light of the ego. Some individuals die convinced of what awaits them on the other side, and I imagine they receive a quick education about what truly lies beyond; I sincerely hope that is the case.
I believe that when we realize God is more loving than we could ever imagine and wants us to learn to love through our human experiences, we may feel disappointed in ourselves. I have started to let go of the need to be right to see if this shift makes me more loving toward others.
One assumption I have is that if I can highlight our differences, I might feel justified in claiming that I am better than you, or vice versa. Perhaps we are both right and both wrong, because if I believe I am right, it implies that those who disagree with me are wrong. However, loving one another through acts of kindness is what truly defines us as right. In contrast, judging each other and failing to show kindness makes us wrong.
I am continually deconstructing my previous mindset from that of an egomaniacal preacher to a more loving human being. Titles can become building blocks for our egos to flourish. For example, if I identify as "the man of the house," I might think it's my way or the highway. Yet, when all your kids leave and your wife is still with you, you may realize that you should have prioritized love and kindness. I wish I had learned that lesson sooner.
Ultimately, I desire a love that is as inclusive as God's love. I know many people view God as an egomaniac, believing that only a select few can be part of His group. I disagree; I believe we are all included and loved, and we must learn to accept that.